Oscar Night Monday Morning Quarterback

By February 29, 2016 March 9th, 2020 Blog

Last night was Hollywood’s biggest night. The night when all the stars collectively come down from the heavens and congratulate one another for making, in most cases, pretty forgettable films. As a huge fan of film, a person with access to the internet, and someone who has an obnoxious, maybe even border-lining on unhealthy, amount of free time, it is my duty to share every thought I had about people more successful than myself. 

  • Why did Mindy Kaling do that to her face? I swear to god her upper lip use to move. Am I crazy or did it look crazy last night? I think she is incredibly beautiful, but last night there was something going on with her face. Maybe she got stung by a bee?
  • Did Jennifer Jason Lee use the makeup the Joker from Tim Burton’s Batman was poising to kill people?
  • Popular hairdo alert – I am going to call it “The Rey”. Rooney Mara, Tina Fey, Olivia Munn, and even Rey herself – Daisy Ridley rocked a spin on the Star Wars heroine’s do. 
  • Chris Rock had a great opening monologue. 
  • The black actor video was one of the funniest moments of the night. Leslie Jones wrestling Leo, Chris Rock stuck on Mars were both good, but Tracey Morgan as The Danish Girl.  I am embarrassed and ashamed that I want to see that movie so badly. Actually, can Tracey Morgan just start making Tracey Jordan movies? 
  • I am not even sure what to say about the Stacey Dash moment. I am really worried Dee didn’t get the joke. Cher, please help your girl. 
  • Jared Leto rocked a floral pin, which looked like a deep red rose, in place of a tie. Another headline might read, “Jared Leto continues wearing only things Jared Leto can pull off.”
  • Am I crazy, or does Benicio Del Toro look like a Asian Frankenstein. If Akira Kurosawa was going to make a Japanese Frankenstein abstract movie, he could cast Benicio and it would be perfect. When did that happen to his face?
  • I am done talking about people’s faces. Terrible, I know. 
  • We have to admit it to ourselves, this Minions thing has gone too far. We had the opportunity to end bed bugs, but didn’t. We can not make the mistakes of our fathers.
  • The Weekend’s performance was sexier than the entire 50 Shades of Grey movie. Hollywood is still going to shit those sequels out. And they will still make $100 million domestic, and maybe it isn’t so bad if global warming destroys the planet, because at that point do we really deserve it?
  • Kate Winslet’s crooked glasses just makes her so much sexier. She could literally drown me in ice cold water, and it would be my pleasure. 
  • I wish she would have won. I just love her so much. 
  • Who directed the telecast of the ceremony last night? They should never be allowed to do anything with a camera ever again. Ever. 
  • I have not seen Bridge of Spies yet.  Based on the utter astonishment people had to hearing the title spoken out loud and the disbelief that it was a real movie, sounds like I wasn’t alone missing this one in the theater. 
  • And it just won an acting Oscar…incredible.
  • Amy winning Best Documentary is the best metaphor for Hollywood and, really, America. We would much rather watch someone self distruct, idly watching than have an see a revolution in a country most couldn’t pick out on a map.
  • Brie Larson should be a huge star. She was great in United States of Tara, and has been great in everything sense. 
  • While I am so happy for Leo, I wish he would have won for Django Unchained. He was incredible in that role. The Revenant is an incredible film, but it was Leo who was incredible in Django Unchained
  • Speaking of…is it possible to stop the combination of Emmanuel Lubezki and Alejandro González Iñárritu? They are the Golden State Warriors of movie-making. 
  • Spotlight was a very compelling story, but by no means a Best Picture. The Boston Globe story won a Pulitzer it deserved. The movie won a Oscar it didn’t. Mad Max got quite a bit of love in the beginning of the show, but their momentum really slowed as the award ceremony went on. Maybe because it was kind of one note? Again, quite a compelling note, but only one. It is interesting Mad Max lost Best Director but won nearly all the production design awards. I feel like the Best Picture was The Big Short
  • The theme of the night was the movie making process. The award show started with the writing process which is where the film making process starts. But by that logic the next award should have been Best Picture. A movie needs producers, right? God, this year’s presentation was awful. 

As usual the thing I am most looking forward to is Guillermo, from Jimmy Kimmel’s late night show, red carpet coverage. 

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